Jeter Missing. Sigh. We’d all like to know honestly. Hell, he’s probably curious too.
Let me tell you what I know about this aberration and how I got mixed up in this: It started when [REDACTED] and so I was happily hiking along when this ancient limousine stops next to me. How it ever made it that far up the trail, I’m not sure. Anyway, [REDACTED] so I really wasn’t in a position to refuse the offer. No one likes being threatened with gnomes. That’s how I became this maniac’s link to the outside world. Seriously, it’s not my fault. Every so often we get messages at the office here in [REDACTED].
Who the hell keeps redacting this? No one cares!
Ugh, fine. Here, this showed up wrapped around a brick the other day, it’s a list of claims made by the “entity” known as Jeter Missing, who owes me for a new bay window by the way.
He claims to be a renegade time traveler from the distant past.
He says all of his stories are completely factual and that the universe personally assigned him to record the details. He said they met at a cocktail party in Keokuk, Iowa.
He sold the first stock of the day on October 29, 1929.
He says that he can hear the secret thoughts of capybara and it turns out we’re all really working for them. (Seriously, who comes up with this crap?)
He knows that Bill Murray will end the world sometime in January 1764. He’ll be attending but bring your own cocktail mix.
He really wants you to be happy.
He claims to be one of the three stones in the sacred hearth of creation.
He says men should stop eating soy.
He says he lost his virginity to Catherine the Great (Not that one, the one down in [REDACTED]).
I give up.